Lately it’s been a really though days for me. I’ve been choosing between the bad and the good, call it a dilemma. And between those two, there are consequences. It may be the effect of adulting. I will be 23 years old by the end of the year and it’s really shocking me. Like heyyyy, what should I do with all these responsibilities? Aren’t I supposed to receive some form of instruction or walkthrough to guide me to do things in life?
I love playing Pokemon a lot, not just that Pokemon Go where you wander around people’s yard to catch Pokemons, but as well as the old games that have story. I am obsessed with plans. I always plan what pokemons which will be in my party that I can win the games effectively. I also like to reset my game when I make a mistake i.e. making my pokemon faint in battles (Pokemon will become unfriendly if they faint during battles). I want my pokemon gameplay to be perfect.
The thing is that I want my life to be perfect, too. That is impossible because I made mistakes. So allow me to lower my standard; I want my life to be fun and I don’t want to be buried deep in regrets in the future. Regrets always come late, and that’s why plan is very important. I am obsessed with plans and I will get really upset when my plan doesn’t work.
Many people have, in fact, written gigazillion books about how you can plan your life so you will be thriving and successful. I’ve read some of them and they are inspiring. They help me to see life in different perspective. They also move me to try new things, create habits, and learn a skill. But, to be honest, these habits are very hard to follow. Not that I never try it. I did.
This experiment reminds me of one of Buzzfeed videos I watched on YouTube in which three guys followed Entrepreneur’s habit. It includes waking up at 5 a.m., no phone in the first two hours after waking up, exercising, taking a bath, and so on. These three guys suffered. I could tell because I was once also interested to try to follow these so called successful habits.
I made a schedule because successful people do that. My days are going to be strict and productive I supposed . My schedule included waking up at 5 a.m., then pray, then read Quran, then exercise for an hour, then cooking breakfast, then learn new skill. I work at 11 so I have a lot of free time. Also my schedule looks pretty neat.
The hardest part of it was waking up at 5 a.m., so I bought my self an alarm clock. I can’t depend on my phone because it’s not very loud. I could actually wake up at 5 a.m., and I was, surprisingly, also excited. Then I went out to Masjid to pray. After finishing it, I was supposed to read the quran. But I didn’t. I went back to bed, thinking that I would work at 11 a.m. and need a lot of rest. I slept till 8 and that went like that for a week.
A week after, I can’t even wake up at 5 a.m. When I do wake up at 5 a.m., I feel so tired and needy of more sleep, causing me to go back to bed even before doing anything, and finally wake up for good at 8. Now I’m very stressed. I am aware that waking up at 8 isn’t good because I’m wasting those three hours that I could use to do important things. But since my job works at 11, I feel like I need to reward my self with more hours to sleep.
It’s like that “expectation versus reality memè.” I always expect things to happen the way I want: smoothly and perfect, but in reality, possibility of error is always there. In my case, it’s hard to do things that I plan. I don’t always have “that” motivation. The strongest force that can move me is when I have financial problem, I can’t afford to do things or buy things I want. That force doesn’t stay long.
When it’s gone, my motivation is gone. I know in general I need what’s called “WILLPOWER.” so we can change. Change is really important. We need to evolve to the better version of ourselves. And to change, there are actions that need to be done. I fail at this. I always want to change and constantly improve, yet I fail to be consistent. It’s easy to say “tomorrow I’ll wake up so early and then do this and that.” but when it’s finally “tomorrow,” the cold morning air makes it hard to get up, or then I end up watching web series on YouTube. Then after time passes, I just lay there questioning my role in life.
There’s a proverb saying “Not even a donkey falls into the same hole twice.” yet here I am doing things I always regret over and over again.
Thoughts Exhibition 